Gently Down » perspective

I’ve been paying attention. Nine months of instruction.

Bohdel — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 15:00:16 +0000

Ben is nine months old. I really can’t believe how fast the time has flown by. Sometimes it’s tough, sometimes it’s, well, I don’t want to say “EASY,” but it’s really is sometimes; it is ALWAYS wonderful. I think it’s time now, however, that I admit that the only thing I can be right now on this blog is a mommy-blogger. I have tried and tried to come up with subjects unrelated to my kid or my new life as a SAHM, only to find that it all comes back to this. So, okay. I concede.

I have thought long and hard about the values I would like to instill in my son. Recently I have started seeing the lessons he has been teaching me.

Make sure your complaints are heard. For the last few years I’ve worked hard to stop whining, to focus on the positive. However, there is something to be said in making sure that people know you’re not happy. Maybe things can be fixed, maybe they can’t, but making sure that the person with the power to fix things has at least heard you (instead of just complaining to friends and family) can go a long way toward fixing the problem. And if things can’t be fixed, well “grant me the serenity…”
An opportunity for a new friend is always worth a smile. No matter how miserable Ben may be (and he usually isn’t too miserable) due to a lack of a nap or teething, he always jumps at the chance to see a dog or wave at another baby. It’s a friendly excitement that I love. I’m a bit of an introvert and a little shy around people I don’t know. Whenever we go to the park and are standing around other moms and dads I try to remember this. Talking to other people with a smile on my face always makes me feel amazing.
When in doubt, laugh. New experiences (running his toes under the tap, standing in the rain on a hot day, being held by a new person) will sometimes freak Ben out a little. He has a little grimace that shows he’s not completely at his ease and looks at us. If we laugh he will laugh and start to enjoy himself. Much like smiling, above, it helps to diffuse the situation a little.
Take care of food and sleep first. I think this is pretty self-explanatory.
I can love someone enough to be covered in puke.

I don’t think there are a whole lot of serious essentials in rearing a child, however, I found these things to be incredibly helpful for these first months:

Moby Wrap (I hate being shackled to a carriage, also, I’ll be getting an Ergo soon for the warmer weather)
The iMonitor from Graco (at least 75% of the moms I know have this one and agree it is the best out there)–if our apartment didn’t have thick walls that block out almost all noise, however, we probably wouldn’t have gotten it for such a small place
My Boppy (some people prefer the flat surface of this pillow more)
Our easy-to-travel-with highchair (we just toss it in the car)

Goal #2 for 2007: Choose (and Appreciate) Value

Bohdel — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 01:45:56 +0000

Photo by: Pshan

A major change I’d like to focus on this year is cutting down on the noise. It’s really difficult for me. I like to be involved in the various stories and discussions going on (if mostly as a lurker), and I like having multiple sources of news. I like listening to podcasts, and reading blogs, and watching twitterific, and watching TV, and listening to music, and following people on flickr, and reading magazines, and…. It goes on.

I would also like to cut back on the number of things I expect myself to do (keeping up with everything I want to keep up with, maintaining a good relationship with my husband, being a good friend, exercising, making dinner more often, staying in contact with my family, working as much as I have been recently, etc.) and keep things in order better, rather than scrambling so often to fix the problems which could have been prevented (at least partially by shutting down some of my “channels”).

I’d also like to eat better. Stop reaching for cheap candy bars to satisfy my cravings.

AND I would like to spend less, especially on stuff I don’t need, stuff I don’t really want, and stuff that I have no use for after the first month. This is a problem for me particularly when it comes to clothing, because I hate shopping for clothing. I’ll walk in, find something I can stand, buy it, get home and hate it in a week.

So this year I want to focus on “value.” I would like to slow down and truly consider the value of my time, my health, my money, my attention, my energy and my available space (HATE clutter). Determining value is a way to bring balance. What am I willing to give up? What will make my life completely fulfilled? The hidden cost of stuff is really something to consider when buying, watching, reading, or doing just about anything. Choosing to watch TV means that I am either not doing something else, or I am segmenting my attention between TV and another activity. Choosing to carry my yarn with me (which is a little bit of a pain) has an added reward of calming me down through the repetitive motion if I get a little anxious about one thing or another. Anything I buy and bring home takes up a certain amount of space and I always feel a bit of guilt at spending any amount of money. If I fool around instead of getting ready for tomorrow, I end up being really stressed in the morning. Mindless Eating talks about all the unconscious food decisions we make on a daily basis, but what about all of the decisions we make concerning our personal resources?

I hope to be more aware of these choices and try to make them based on what’s important to me, in the long run, rather than what’s good for the moment. To start I’ve been working on a personal mission statement and a five-year plan. Of course it’s a slow process, but I figure having a focus is really the only way to know which direction I should be moving in.

I’m not making any “true” resolutions this month, though I plan to make some in each of the months to come. Maybe I mean that I plan to make “changes,” in any event, this and my post from two days ago refer to the two “base” goals I mean to make, in order to build the tools necessary for changing my life. Whatever you call your goals for the year, this list of tools to manage your resolutions is fantastic. I use fitday.com and use hiveminder.com for my To Do list.

I think of this resolution as a “base coat” something which needs to be applied before I can hope to enact any real changes. If I were to try to “lose weight” prior to getting myself into the habit of “just showing up” to the gym, my chance of success will be lessened. What are your “base coat” resolutions? What tools could you give yourself to help you succeed? Or do you disagree that a “base coat” is necessary to make positive changes in your life? Please feel free to leave a comment, I’d love to hear some other ideas.

Goal #1 for 2008: Just Show Up

Bohdel — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 15:11:23 +0000

Photo by: LadyGoth

I’m half stealing this from The Happiness Project, but it’s come up a number of times in my searches for happiness and improvement. It is impossible to make a change in your life if you don’t show up.

Case in point: my in-laws and I have a strained relationship at best. My hatred of talking on the phone has convinced them that I don’t like them. So? I show up, get on the phone when they call. Stop thinking about how I feel on the defensive when talking to them, especially when I’m put on the speaker phone. If you read the excellent post at the Happiness Project you’ll also see that familiarity breeds affection, which, will help especially well in this instance.

Another, probably more important aspect of Just Showing Up for me, is the Feel the Fear…and Do It Anyway concept. Usually my desire to not show up has the most to do with one fear or another: the fear that no one really likes me, the fear that I won’t have a good time, the fear that I’ll fail at whatever it is. Regardless of what may happen, how badly a conversation may go, I always feel better if I do it than if I don’t. This is, certainly, one of the most difficult things to learn.

Finally, in Just Showing Up, it is necessary to be in the moment. I can’t Just Show Up by living in the past or thinking about the future. I must Just Show Up Now. Not tomorrow. And it doesn’t matter if I didn’t show up yesterday. I must show up today.

There are a few ways I sabotage myself in just showing up:

I don’t get organized with the things I need.
- Attending Al-Anon meetings is an important part of improving my depression. Yet for a couple months I would wait until the half hour before I needed to leave to before getting my stuff together, which would give me an excuse of being very late, what with the train schedule and all.
- Current attempt to fix:
  
  I’ve developed nightly and morning rituals of checking what will be needed the next day and what might be needed due to weather and how I felt that day. I try to make sure my bag is packed before I go to bed. I remember doing this in grade school, and, to be honest, I really don’t know why we outgrow this habit. Being prepared is one of the first steps to getting out the door, why would we slow this down and start the day in a panic?
I don’t give myself the time I need to get somewhere.
- While this can sometimes be attributed to not being organized, I do take the Metro basically everywhere. Let’s face it, it’s not always the best idea to rely on the WMATA’s schedule. And I hate being late.
- Current attempt to fix:
  
  I’ve been writing the time of each appointment/date 15 to 20 minutes earlier. While I know that some people will change their clocks back to fix this, I am not in control of many of the clocks in my life. I may know that the appointment is listed too early, but it reminds me of my commitment to myself to provide all the tools needed to succeed.
I allow myself excuses.

This is actually the crime I am most guilty of in my life. I can avoid accountability for things by having an excuse. If I’m late I can skip the appointment (because, in my head, it is far more rude to be late, than to not show up). I can give the excuse that I’ve been too busy at work (which may be true), and not feel bad that I didn’t feel like attending something. And, of course, this is fine, but not if I’ve already made the commitment to attend.
Current attempt to fix:

Well, stop allowing excuses. If I’m not going to go, fine, but it’s no longer okay to have an excuse for it. I’m not going because it’s not important enough for me to go. If I force myself to look at my priorities, I am responsible for my actions. It may sound like a simplistic fix, but for the moment it’s been working. Of course, organizing my priorities is something else to work on in the next few weeks.

Proof that I am just showing up: I’m writing this. I’ve been putting off writing anything here for the “right” moment. Those never come. You can always come up with (here’s that word, again) excuses for putting something off. So this post is a toast to not putting things of anymore, and to Just Showing Up.

Gently Down » perspective

I’ve been paying attention. Nine months of instruction.

Goal #2 for 2007: Choose (and Appreciate) Value

Goal #1 for 2008: Just Show Up

I don’t get organized with the things I need.

Current attempt to fix:

I don’t give myself the time I need to get somewhere.

Current attempt to fix:

I allow myself excuses.

Current attempt to fix: