Gently Down » Blabber

Binky Bashing

Bohdel — Mon, 17 May 2010 18:52:11 +0000

I don’t have a problem with the pacifier parents. We were for a little while, until I realized we were “plugging” Ben whenever he made any noise, but I don’t think all parents who use pacifiers do that. I’m a bit put off by the anti-thumb parents. Especially when they’re talking to me and telling me that they would NEVER let their six-old-baby suck her thumb, “because I can take away a pacifier.” With Ben on my back. With his two fingers in his mouth.

And I know, he constantly has his fingers in his mouth, but if I tell him to remove them he does. But it’s comforting to him. And what else do babies have for comfort at this point? It just seems a little cruel not to let them put their fingers in their mouths.

Anyway, I just had one of these encounters, and I couldn’t help but feel a little offended with her staring at Ben as she complained about kids sucking their thumbs. And I wanted to ask her what the problem is with it? It’s more likely he’ll stop by the time he’s in preschool, the germs he picks up may boost him immune system, I never had to get up in the middle of the night to reinsert a pacifier, and I’m not the one jamming it in to get him to shush. All I see is positives. But I’d love to hear from someone with a different point of view. What are the positives to a pacifier? Why would you be against thumb-sucking? And, if you have older kids, have you ever thought about it one way or the other after the habit stopped? It just seems like one of those things that wouldn’t matter at all in the end.

Random Bike Story

Bohdel — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 23:47:22 +0000

So the bike ride didn’t work so well, but I think we’ve learned some valuable lessons. First, it is a bad thing to try new things right before nap time. Second, it is a good idea to make sure Ben can comfortably sit all the way up in a helmet (we will be adding a pillow so that he’s more comfortable). Third, mirrors are vital to comfortably maneuvering a trailer around the highway without feeling like your kid is going to be dumped bodily into the oncoming traffic and have his head squashed like a casaba melon. But I’m excited to try again later this weekend.

Harry Potter and the Lesson in Values

Bohdel — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 20:46:53 +0000

Forgive me while I wax geeky and continue to go on about values. I promise to find something new to discuss next week. We went to Boston last week and values, and the misguided values I received from my family, have been on my mind. I am doing my best not to (unfairly?) categorize my parents or my upbringing. It’s tough at the moment.

We are currently (very slowly) reading Harry Potter to Ben. We’ve been reading chapter books to him at bedtime since the day we brought him home from the hospital. We will continue to do so until he tells us he’s sick of it. Maybe longer. We enjoy it and he seems to.

We’ve just met Hermione Granger on the train and the discussion the kids have about the Houses rung true to me. I’ve taken all the silly “tests” about which House I’d be in, and, while I think they’re rubbish, I do think that everyone really knows which House they’d be in. Because it isn’t about what you’d be good at, it’s truly about what you value. If the Gryffindor House were really only for the brave then Cedric Diggory would have been placed there, as well as others. And it would have been far less likely that Ron’s whole family would have been placed in the same house. I believe he was placed there because Ron’s parents did a fantastic job of passing on their values (although why Ron’s mom can’t knit a shirt herself and used sew-on patches for the Christmas sweaters really troubles me, it’s one thing not to knit at all, but to use MAGIC for KNITTING? UGH!).

Gryffindor values duty, or, as it is put elsewhere, chivalry. People find their true duty often contradicts laws and authority, as clearly happens time and again in Harry Potter. Ravenclaw values the attainment of knowledge. Slytherin values ~~power~~ ambition. And Hufflepuff values loyalty. (The difference between duty and loyalty? Don Quixote and Sancho Panza. Or the Tick and Arthur.)

So, in trying to flesh out the values I want to teach Ben (who, poor kid, gets to be my guinea pig) I’m finding it easier to ask myself, “What would get him into Gryffindor?” Valuing friendship, honesty, risk-taking, bravery, standing up for the less fortunate and downtrodden. The truth is that it’s just vague enough to be a good stepping stone. Also, it makes it easier for me to not discount other people’s value systems. Sometimes I’m far too judgmental, and it really isn’t something I want to pass on to Ben.

So what about you? What is your North Star for these evaluations, whether religious, fictional, familial, etc. ? Or am I the only crazy one who thinks about these things as I lay in bed waiting for my son to fall back asleep or start crying so I can decide either go back to sleep or get myself up?

I’ve been paying attention. Nine months of instruction.

Bohdel — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 15:00:16 +0000

Ben is nine months old. I really can’t believe how fast the time has flown by. Sometimes it’s tough, sometimes it’s, well, I don’t want to say “EASY,” but it’s really is sometimes; it is ALWAYS wonderful. I think it’s time now, however, that I admit that the only thing I can be right now on this blog is a mommy-blogger. I have tried and tried to come up with subjects unrelated to my kid or my new life as a SAHM, only to find that it all comes back to this. So, okay. I concede.

I have thought long and hard about the values I would like to instill in my son. Recently I have started seeing the lessons he has been teaching me.

Make sure your complaints are heard. For the last few years I’ve worked hard to stop whining, to focus on the positive. However, there is something to be said in making sure that people know you’re not happy. Maybe things can be fixed, maybe they can’t, but making sure that the person with the power to fix things has at least heard you (instead of just complaining to friends and family) can go a long way toward fixing the problem. And if things can’t be fixed, well “grant me the serenity…”
An opportunity for a new friend is always worth a smile. No matter how miserable Ben may be (and he usually isn’t too miserable) due to a lack of a nap or teething, he always jumps at the chance to see a dog or wave at another baby. It’s a friendly excitement that I love. I’m a bit of an introvert and a little shy around people I don’t know. Whenever we go to the park and are standing around other moms and dads I try to remember this. Talking to other people with a smile on my face always makes me feel amazing.
When in doubt, laugh. New experiences (running his toes under the tap, standing in the rain on a hot day, being held by a new person) will sometimes freak Ben out a little. He has a little grimace that shows he’s not completely at his ease and looks at us. If we laugh he will laugh and start to enjoy himself. Much like smiling, above, it helps to diffuse the situation a little.
Take care of food and sleep first. I think this is pretty self-explanatory.
I can love someone enough to be covered in puke.

I don’t think there are a whole lot of serious essentials in rearing a child, however, I found these things to be incredibly helpful for these first months:

Moby Wrap (I hate being shackled to a carriage, also, I’ll be getting an Ergo soon for the warmer weather)
The iMonitor from Graco (at least 75% of the moms I know have this one and agree it is the best out there)–if our apartment didn’t have thick walls that block out almost all noise, however, we probably wouldn’t have gotten it for such a small place
My Boppy (some people prefer the flat surface of this pillow more)
Our easy-to-travel-with highchair (we just toss it in the car)

I Promise to No Longer Stick My Nose in Your Child’s Belly

Bohdel — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 16:06:15 +0000

Photo by: A Hermida

For the past week I’ve been thinking about how judgmental I’ve become as a mom. I’m not the only one who is, and I’ve been wondering why.

An article by Hanna Rosin, The Case Against Breast-Feeding started it off. I was furious reading this article, I was seething and almost couldn’t finish it. How DARE she say that breast-feeding isn’t just the greatest thing ever invented. How DARE she try to convince me that it would be okay if I decided to stop. And, since one of the things I worked very hard for in therapy is the ability to question my very strong emotions, I stepped back and tried to calm myself down. I finished the article, trying to maintain a distance.

The article is well-written and well-researched. And it isn’t the first thing that has made me question some of the fanaticism of the breast-feeding brigade. (The first being a poster which mentioned that for every 9 formula-fed children who get sick with some disease, only 1 breast-fed baby gets sick. This is just a really, really tricky use of statistics.)

So, great article that doesn’t tell me not to breast-feed, why would it piss me off? It has nothing to do with me or my decision to breast-feed my son. Why did I find myself wishing to print it out so that I could tear it into tiny pieces and light it on fire?

Because it questions my belief that I am the best mother ever.

Yes, I know I’m not the best mother ever. I even realize that I’m not always the best mother I could be. But I try. And I am trying really hard to find what is best for my family. Making these decisions is not easy. And they feel like the heaviest decisions I’ve ever had to make. I look at my son and see a potential person; what if by not reading him this book today he will grow up to not love reading? What if I hold him too much and he grows up to become needy and high-maintenance and thus has no friends? What if staying home with him turns him into a misogynistic, clingy asshole afraid of strong women? Every day is fraught with the perilous possibility of making the wrong decision.

Except for the decision to breast-feed.

I have done my best not to look down on mothers who don’t breast-feed. Even when it all goes perfectly and easily, like it has for me, it sort of sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I love every moment with Ben, and it’s a sweet moment between him and me, but sometimes I wish that it could be a sweet moment between Dad and Ben just as easily. I wish that in order for Ben to eat I didn’t need to feed him or pump (though I got lazy and stopped giving him a bottle so now he won’t take one. Damn.). It really is a decision that each mother needs to make. On her own. Without my disapproval or any one else’s. (But definitely with support, everyone needs support!)

But not looking down or thinking that they’re bad mothers is NOT the same as not thinking that I’m better than they are. I mean, deep in my heart. The way that you think that you’re the better person because you flossed this morning, or because you see someone with a brownie on their plate when you have the salad. We do this. We compare ourselves to others every day. Because we want to be the one who wins.

Being a mother means you play that game for two people. You need to win and your child needs to win. And if you can do the winning thing for your child you win that much more. And you can’t win unless someone else is losing. And this breast-feeding thing was the one thing you could be sure you were winning with. And this article took that away.

In the end, though, this information is freeing. It says that no one is losing. I’ll take Amy’s “license to be the best mom you can be” over winning a “best mom” trophy any day. I choose to breast-feed. I enjoy breast-feeding, and it’s cheaper than formula. And I would have chosen it regardless of the studies. The studies just made the decision easier. And, in having that easy decision, I should stop my holier-than-thou attitude and let other moms nourish their adorable infants in peace.

Because, seriously, isn’t motherhood hard enough, beating each of us up every single day. Shouldn’t we at least get a little slack from our fellow moms?

I adore Half Full, which studies “the science of raising happy kids.” Not only does it report on interesting studies and help teach practices for mindfulness and gratitude, I always feel as though they stress “good enough” instead of “perfect” in raising children. Also, I find a lot of the articles help me in reprograming myself to be happier.

Chiseling Away at My Own Hypocrisy

Bohdel — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 22:21:58 +0000

Do As I Say, Not As I Do,
originally uploaded by Madison Guy.

Confirmation Bias and Cognitive Dissonance have always been two of my favorite psychology concepts.

Over the years I’ve realized just how strongly confirmation bias can affect a person’s outlook on life, and the actions they take (or, more accurately with those I know, don’t take) to improve their situations. I’ve also found that it can be helpful when trying to start a new habit, running for example. When I was running I suddenly started noticing how many people were outside running every day. It seemed everyone I met was a runner. It helped to create momentum in my desire to be outside exercising. And I’ve used this bias to help myself be a little more frugal by surrounding myself with blogs focused on frugality or saving and listening to Dave Ramsey‘s podcast just about every day. A bit of a reversal of the “but, Mom, Everyone has one!” attitude I had in grade school and junior high.

While I’ve learned how to get confirmation bias to work for me, I’ve lately, with the birth of the Little Frog, been feeling the affects of cognitive dissonance. There are specific attitudes about life and habits that I feel are important to teach the little man. Gretchen Rubin, who is slowly becoming a very wonderful role-model in my life, calls them “Commandments.” Since I first read her commandments I’ve been trying to work on my own, but it wasn’t until my son came along that I could really put them into words.

Because suddenly I knew I was going to need to teach them.

Suddenly they NEEDED words. But once they were a bit more clearly defined, I came to realize how poorly I uphold these all-important precepts. And, ever so slowly (seriously, seriously slowly), I’ve been correcting the actions I take which don’t conform to these beliefs. How else could I teach my son if I don’t model the behaviors I expect? Not only would he not learn from me, he’d see that his mom was a hypocrite! I’d feel like a hypocrite. Wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye.

And then, yesterday, I get another dose of the wonderful confirmation bias (because everyone is thinking about cognitive dissonance right now …), as well as a little boost to keep my son’s lessons in mind while I go through my day. Preach What You Plan to Practice was a rather interesting article on how cognitive dissonance helps people to change their own unhealthy habits. By telling others that unsafe sex is bad and then being asked about their own habits, college students were subjected to their hypocrisy. This resulted in a change in condom use which lasted at least six months for a large percentage.

So, I am creating my commandments. They are now and, I hope, will continue to be what I consider important for living a good, healthy, respectable, and regret-free life. Writing them down has helped, so far, to keep them concrete and fresh in my mind. Hopefully when they are taped to my wall they will increase the dissonance between my beliefs and my actions. They are:

Do what needs to be done. (Stolen straight from The Happiness Project, I admit, but it resonates so strongly.)
Treat everyone with respect, whether you believe they deserve it or not. We are not here to judge. (Man, this is a hard one for me.)
Exercise your body and your mind a little everyday.
Don’t complain about the everyday stuff.
Don’t reward yourself for the everyday stuff. (Like behaving when you get your haircut or need to do the shopping.)
Do reward yourself for the tough stuff, do take breaks, do allow yourself time off from the everyday stuff.
Send thank you notes. Write them by hand.
Keep your home tidy enough to invite anyone in at any time.
Collect memories, not things.
Kindness is more important than wealth.
Make, and love, mistakes.
Being on time is a sign of respect, but don’t rush, and don’t make yourself crazy if you’re late.
Don’t rush. One year at a time, one month at a time, one week at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one moment at a time. Enjoy the process.

I know, there are more than 10. And I think they need to each be tighter (I really love how Gretchen’s are only a few words apiece). But for now they’ll work and searching for perfection will just allow me to procrastinate further. As the weeks go on, I’ll try to put my thoughts down about each one: why I think each is important, how I expect to teach it. I hope that you’ll help me with examples or ideas on how to live these in my life, and how to share them with the Little Frog.

I would love to hear the precepts you live your life by; feel free to share them in the comments. I’d also be interested to know if you disagree with any of mine.

It had its downside, but for the most part… (rated 4 stars)

Bohdel — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 14:22:08 +0000

Into the Wild

by Sean Penn

This was a beautiful movie. I was amazed that, contrary to reviews I’d read and heard, I ended up really disliking the subject. He misinterpreted so much great reading! But watching someone make these mistakes and seeing the grief of family and friends really hit a nerve and turned this movie into something much deeper than what I had expected (and, yes, I did expect the final outcome, I had just expected to agree more with the young man’s decisions).

My main problem with this movie is probably a plus for many: I was taken out of it every time Eddie Vedder sang. His voice is too iconic for a movie of this depth. I wanted to lose myself in the landscape and the problems of this youth, instead I kept being reminded of my own adolescence and high school dances.

See more about Into the Wild

Tagged out of my sabbatical

Bohdel — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:34:43 +0000

I’ve been tagged by my friend jay.

The rules:

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs
4. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
So, seven random things about me:

I miss blogging terribly! I wish I could get my schedule in hand faster, but right now sleep takes precedence. Like mt slow return to running, just knowing it will happen eventually is enough.
In a similar story to Jay’s public bathroom story, I hate walking through doors held in that “walk under my arm like it’s a bridge” manner. I wish men would realize how terrifying this can be. I was grabbed and kissed by a guy who did this. A man who reeked of some cheap alcohol.
In the TMI, but sort of scientifically interesting category: I have extra nipples, four of them to be exact. Two of them stopped being truly noticeable by the time I was 12, a third looks more like a freckle now, and the fourth I was told might give me problems and produce milk. So of course I looked forward to finding that out throughout my pregnancy. And yes, when my milk came in my nubbin produced milk and hurt like hell because I couldn’t do anything about it. The pain went away after a day or so, and I barely notice it now.
When I was young I feared that my pillows hated me. I didn’t anthropomorphize EVERYTHING, but my pillows were def. angry with me.
All the girls in my family have “nne” in their names. I HATE when people don’t bother to spell my name correctly, or mispronounce it. There was a woman on the Tim Gunn shoe with my name, who rhymed it with LeAnne. I believe SHE is what is wrong with America.
My gravest fears are that I will have my Dad’s temper or my Mom’s propensity for clutter. They’re both amazing people, but I think everyone sees things in their parents they couldn’t stand in themselves.
I am insanely hungry right now.

And I’m tagging:
Chris Cactus
Damian Claymonkey
and Thingamababy.com
I don’t really expect a response, but I don’t read too many other blogs at the moment.

The Wiki-ing of Reality

Bohdel — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 23:45:58 +0000

I love the idea of Wikipedia. I trust, perhaps at my own peril, the basic goodness, intelligence and truthfulness of people as a mass. Sure, there are people out there who want to mess with things (*cough* Colbert), but there are too many people out there who care to see things done right.

This weekend I read the great article on Wired that introduced me to reCaptcha, which I’m now using on my comments. This allows everyone who comments the chance to at once prove they’re human AND help with the digitization of books. The idea of the human race being used as a CPU really appealed to me. And I’ve been enjoying the whole idea for awhile now.

But, back to the Wikipedia, the entire web population is invited in to create a true encyclopedia, of all basically all knowledge. There are certain rules, and people to solve disputes and to kick out rule breakers. And there are enough altruistic knowledge-heads out there who want to assure it’s all going to plan. So they fix errors. They delete bad information. They even make the language prettier. And they seem to do it because it’s fun for them.

Why doesn’t this work in the real world. I have a difficult time with the fact that there are assholes out there who’ll leave macaroni salad in the metro seat cushions. On “bad” days I try to pick fights with them, on good days I just pick up the trash I see. If everyone who is a Good Wikipedia did this, maybe there wouldn’t be so much trash.

Why don’t we take pride in our environment the way we take pride in a clean Wikipedia? We don’t clean up people’s messes, fight over the misplacement of a newspaper in the trash barrel (when there’s CLEARLY a newspaper recycling bin two steps ahead, just as easy to put it into, and still completely in your way), or try to make it pretty by donating. Isn’t this a community that was here before the web? Why would someone fight for days about someone’s death or non-death, but I don’t see anyone other than myself ever picking up the soda cup on the street corner? (I mean, c’MON you STEPPED ON it.)

I admit that this is a large part of my sadness. There’s a hatred I’m trying to shake for my aunts and uncles not caring enough about my dad to see him in the hospital and a recent childhood friend gunned down in a convenience store in MA, but I’m TRYING to see the good. It makes my day when I see someone offer up a seat on the train for someone else (no, not for me, though that’s nice, too) or when someone sits down next to me and says “Good morning” (seriously, made me remember for the hour train ride that other people are NOT simply obstacles to get around).

I don’t know, I’m corny. I sit in front of a computer most of the day. But wouldn’t it be SO great if we actually did all work together to do a LITTLE piece? Just like every time you make an entry into the wikipedia you contribute to the entire breadth of the web’s knowledge, or when you fill out my comment form you translate one teeny word?

Yeah, geeky.

I offer to you the j(h)aiku

Bohdel — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 01:22:45 +0000

J(h)aiku. Just another form of bad poetry. But also a way to get me to post.

You can also see how far I’m running at http://runlog.media.mit.edu/users/profile/491. I’d love a site that’s as simple as this program with an rss feed, but I prefer the simplicity to the rss. Priorities, you know.

Yoga-ing again. And lifting weights on the day I don’t run. But I’ve decided that it’s the distance that matters, not the calories. I can concentrate on these things, too, but it’s the distance I want to track. And it’s such a nice, simple, clean site. It’s pleasant in a way I can’t explain.