I have a friend who’s constantly trying to get me to go back to work. She sends me job openings and tells me I’m too creative to waste my talents. She has a kid Reed’s age. She’s not the only one, but she’s the most persistent. When I have weeks like last week, I need to be careful not to complain about how frustrating it can be or she really starts to push.
It’s not easy to describe why I’m a stay-at-home mom. It’s especially hard to do without sounding like I think it’s the only right decision.
It is the only right decision for MY family. And, frankly, I’d complain just as much about how frustrating being a working mom is. It’s just what I do. (Although I think I’m making some fantastic headway in not complaining as much as I used to, in seeing just how blessed I truly am.)
Sometimes it hurts to hear these remarks and not have a decent way to describe why this was my decision. There was an especially difficult time when she commented that it’s similar to a friend leaving a prestigious and difficult-to-get-into career program to follow a boyfriend across the country. It made me wonder if I was the only one to see these as different things. The comment still haunts me. Can I be friends with someone who looks down on my world view so completely? Because, to me, following a boy instead of finishing a six-month program is giving up on your life, raising your kids isn’t.
I’m proud of my decision to stay home. I just need to own it a bit more. I’m a feminist because I believe that women should be given equal chances to succeed, that we should have the ability to choose between home and career, and that our careers should be limited based on our abilities, not our sex. I am a stay-at-home mom because I believe our children should have stability in their early years (Every Childs Birthright: In Defense of Mothering
Honestly, that’s the crux. I love being home with my kids. I love that each day there is another chance for me to watch my son learn about the world and to snuggle with my daughter. I love to show them new things and celebrate each little victory. I love to take them to the park and watch their interactions with the other children. I would miss so much of that if I worked outside the home. And instead I’d be paying someone else to enjoy these moments and tell me about them. I don’t want a second-hand experience like that. I want to see Reed’s eyes light up when he sees the moon, even if it’s the hundredth time he’s shown me. I want see Thrace pull to a stand and take her first steps. I’ve seen how upset Tom is when he misses these moments. I don’t feel guilty that I don’t bring in money, I feel guilty that one of us needs to.
Which is actually what it comes down to. The feminist in me applauds the men in my life who’ve chosen to stay home to rear their children, why does she berate me for taking the same path? Yes, my career has a hiccup, but what’s the point of a career if you’d really rather spend your life doing other things? We aren’t seriously hurting for money, we can afford the things we need. We’ve just chosen to have me home instead of taking vacations other than seeing family, which is really all we need. We’ve chosen to have a parent home instead of having two cars, new clothes every season, a new home, the latest gadgets. Why should I need to explain this to my feminist side every time my friend sends me a job opening?
I loved my job. There are days I miss it. But most of the time I enjoy this far more. I work harder every day than I ever did behind a desk, and I never need to question at 5 PM whether I should devote another hour to a project or go home to my kids, which, given the nature of my career was what I watched others do.
There it is, I feel like I’m making a judgment on those mothers. I’m not, it’s just not what I want. They were amazing moms. But the decision they made was for THEIR families, their careers. There is no defense of staying home that doesn’t sound like an attack on not staying home. There’s nothing I can say to my friend to convince her that this was the right decision for me without feeling like I’m insulting her decision.
